Doctors

I have been reading other blogs about miscarriage. I am realizing that I am incredibly fortunate and blessed to have the doctor and practice that I do. I didn't get to see MY doctor for the appointment that changed my life because he was in surgery. I saw another woman doctor in the practice and she was GREAT. She was so sensitive and physically upset when she delivered the terrible news that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. She gave us all the time we needed before coming back to talk to us, never rushing us at all. My doctor performed my D&C the next morning. The first time I saw him I was already in my gown getting my IV on a gurney. He was so sensitive and compassionate. He was optimistic about how soon we could start trying again without brushing past what was about to happen like it was routine. All the nurses were wonderful and so sensitive to what I was going through. I felt very cared for both medically and emotionally. My doctor even prayed with me before we went into surgery. He also called me a couple days later to see how I was recovering and doing emotionally. Aside from the phone call I got from the nurse to check on my physical recovery after the surgery. I wish I had never had to go through any of it, but i guess since it happened I am glad that I have a doctor who is so understanding and compassionate.

My journey...

I wanted to start this blog to track my pregnancy in a humorous and entertaining way for my friends and family to read and enjoy. I'm not sure how great of a writer I am or even how funny I can be but since blogging is the new black I thought I should give it a try. We saw and heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks and everything was moving along just fine but I told myself that after I passed 12 weeks I would start writing my blog. Then I would be out of the "scary phase" so it would be safe to share all the details with everyone. Well last week was 12 weeks and I'm afraid my blog, for the time being, will be dedicated to my journey through miscarriage. I'm not sure what exactly will come out of writing this but I'm hoping that it will help in the healing process.

On Thursday afternoon I went to the doctor and found out that The Peanut no longer had a heartbeat. It was as if when I looked at that screen and saw no movement my heart stopped beating as well. All the day dreams I had of how much I would be showing when this happened, or how far along I would be when that happened came crumbling down around me. My worst fear had come true.

We lost the baby.

This past week has been a roller coaster. I am heartbroken. I am mourning the loss of the child that I will not get to hold, to snuggle in the nook of my neck, to sing to sleep, and to watch grow into her own personality. How can you be robbed of something before you really even have it? There are moments of optimism but they were few and far between. The first were dark days.

Then the anger set in... I was mad! I was in pain physically and this made me angry! As if the emotions I was feeling weren't painful enough, why did my body have to hurt as well? Like I haven't been through enough physically in my life, I mean two open heart surgeries, come on! I was angry that my pregnant friend drank caffeine, ate deli meat, and white queso dip and I followed all the rules; now she is in her third trimester and I'm back at zero! Not that I, in any way, would want to take away her happiness. I want her to have a healthy beautiful baby but I want to be having one with her! We were supposed to take pictures of our belly's growing side by side. I was sick and tired of hearing, "it's for the best, the baby wouldn't have been healthy", and "you can have another baby". I don't want another baby! I want the baby I had, I want MY baby! I actually had someone tell me, "maybe you just aren't supposed to have children." Are you kidding me! Who says that to someone who just lost a child? Mostly I was mad that my God, who I know loves me, would give us this precious gift and then take it away so quickly.

Part of me was scared to leave my house. If I joined society again I would see that although MY world stopped turning on Thursday afternoon the rest of the world kept right on going. My life will never be the same and others are out celebrating St. Patrick's Day! I think part of me was afraid that if I started to "move on" I might forget. Not that I can fathom forgetting the pain that I am feeling but more forgetting the little life that was in my body for only 12 short weeks. My baby may have only been a part of my body for 12 weeks but will FOREVER be a part of my life.

I am taking small steps. One day at a time. Breathing in and exhaling slowly. I don't know why this happened, and may never know why, but there are some things that I do know.

I know that I am only at the very beginning of this long journey. I know that if my husband was not the amazing man of God that he is, I would still be lying on the floor in the doctor's office. I know that I am so blessed to have the support of my family, some of whom know to well what I am going through. I know that my best friend not only hurt for me but with me. I know that I am surrounded by my friends in Christ and can feel their prayers embracing me. I know that my Heavenly Father "has plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not the harm me, plans to give me hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I know that through all the heartache, tears, anger, and questions He is with me. I know my God is real because I feel him holding me in his arms as I cry. I know His heart is breaking with mine and He is walking with me through this. I know that "God has not only read my story, he wrote it." Max Lucado I know that He chose us to be the parents of an angel. I know I will see my baby when the face of my Savior is before me. I know it still hurts a lot!

I do have hope. I hope for healing. For good timing. A plus sign. A healthy pregnancy. A round belly. A beautiful baby. I have hope. Though, I have moments, even days where hope is fleeting and I can not imagine setting myself up for this hurt again. I hope for a chance to be a Mom and to see my husband as a Dad. I hope to have a child so that I can show them the grace and unconditional love that my Heavenly Father has shown me.

What greater honor is there in this life?