Praying Till The Peace Comes...

Home early :(

2009-03-28T01:44:00.003-04:00

We came home early from our vaca. The previous post was our good day! It was followed by a day of overcast and two days of severe thunderstorms and monsoons! The beach made it very clear we were not welcome anymore! So we packed up and headed home. I know this sounds lame but I really missed our pup! Nothing better than the look on her face and how excited she gets when we come back from a trip. We did have a fun visit with my old Young Life leaders, James and Marisol, on our way home. They live in Columbus which is right on the way to the beach so we stopped by on the way home to spend a little time with them! Man, i love them!!! So grateful for their counsel and friendship! Now I am having a hard time falling asleep. My heart hurts tonight. Not sure what triggered it but heartache has settled in and I feel like it's going to be a long night. It's been a week or two since I've had a bad day so I guess it was bound to happen. Time to spend some time talking to God and praying for peace!

Day 1

2009-03-24T18:30:00.002-04:00

Here is a run down of our first day in WaterColor. Woke up at 8 which felt like 9 because of the time change. That was a nice treat that I forgot about! The weather was 78 and not a cloud in the sky. The breeze was just enough to keep you cool, it was beautiful! WaterColor is a gorgeous neighborhood. The house we are staying is amazing! We went for a drive to check out the neighborhood and then to a little bakery and had some breakfast right near the beach. Did some grocery shopping to get stuff for the week where we had an interesting opportunity. A women and her baby were in front of us at the check out. She got all of her stuff rung up and then realized she didn't have her wallet. I could see the frustration on her face. She was going to load up her little one drive home, get her wallet, and drive back to pay for the groceries. After 8 years of nannying I know how hard it can be to lug a little one around town while you run errands. She started to walk to her car and Patrick and I swiped our card to pay for her groceries. She tried to refuse the help but we insisted. I can't explain it but it was just one of those moments when I felt like God gave us an opportunity and reminded us that it is not OUR money but HIS so why wouldn't we help her out. She asked for our address to send us a check or to thank us in some way and I really couldn't think of anything to say. Wish I could have thought of some way to tell her what I was feeling in my heart with out sounding like a total whack job! We just told her it was our pleasure to help her out. Then we came home and I did a little work on the patio while Patrick went for a run. We spent the next 3 hours out by the pool, which is beautiful! Came back home and had a little snack on the porch when low and behold we heard the ice cream truck! I didn't even know those things were still around. I felt like such a kid again. I was really hoping he would have those little green frog ice cream bars with the M&M eyes but he didn't. I got a brown cow, classic! Then it was out to the bocce ball court, one of our favorite beach games! It was a close one but I beat Patrick 17-15! Now we are back at the house and getting ready to make some chicken piccata. I wish I had remembered my camera so I could post pictures. We may have to pick up a disposable tomorrow. So far it's a great vaca! I am really looking forward to the rest of the week and some quality time with Patrick. I will be back to update tomorrow...

What's in a name?

2009-03-09T23:10:00.004-04:00

So those of you who go to North Point probably heard Andy's last series, He's STILL Got the Whole World in His Hands. I know it was a topic that is relevant to a lot of people right now but I totally felt like it was directed at me! It was a great thing to hear! Andy read Philippians 4:4-7- Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let you gentleness be evident to all. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I started praying this verse the night that Patrick and I decided to start trying to have a baby. That was a year and a half ago. I prayed that verse so many times that I think I missed the real message behind it. I felt so challenged by the way that Andy broke down the verse. I was praying it because I wanted a baby, a valid request, but I was not getting to the heart of my request. I have learned some things about myself this past week since I have started praying this prayer a little differently. Not quite ready to share them on here but would love prayer support on this. I am praying till the peace comes (thus the blog name), but I fear I will be in prayer for this for a long time.

Books, bunnies, and bath time OH MY!

2009-03-06T20:27:00.006-05:00

Rowan and I had such a fun day! We read some books, ran some errands (where we saw the Easter Bunny!), and even went to the playground. It was such a great day to be outside. I am loving this weather!

Still a little unsure about the slide but I finally got a smile out of her!

After bath time Rowan played with her Uncle Patrick and he was loving having Rowan all to himself!

She was talking up a storm tonight. I think she may have been saying, "enough with the camera Aunt Lollie!"

Then we snuggled while she had her bottle and now she is sleepy night night. She is the worlds BEST baby! Like clock work with her schedule and never fussy! I will keep her ANYTIME!!!

Now it's pizza and a movie for us! What are you doing tonight?

Good morning!

2009-03-06T10:28:00.005-05:00

From our walk yesterday with Uncle Patrick and Litty!

Well I was up at 7:15 on my day off but it was so worth it! I woke up to Rowan's sweet little voice talking to me in the monitor. She was so cute! I wish I knew what she was thinking in her little mind. We made blueberry muffins, had breakfast, and played a little before she was tuckered out!

Now she is sleeping and I'm going to do some work and straighten up so that when she wakes up we can go to the playground. It's going to be a GREAT day!

Rowan's 1st Sleepover!

2009-03-05T21:07:00.002-05:00

I will be brief because we had our Girl Scout cookies delivered today and they are calling my name! Our best friends, Ryan and Sarah, are celebrating their anniversary this weekend and we are keeping their precious little girl for 2 nights! It's the first time they are leaving her over night so it's a big deal! Rowan is like our surrogate daughter! We are so blessed to have her in our lives to love on as we go through this baby journey. Ryan and Sarah are so amazing about letting us participate in everything so that we can share in their joy. Well I know that they are probably wondering what we did tonight so here are a couple pictures... Eating noodles with Noodle! When I was holding her, rocking her to sleep all I could think was how I thought I was going to be rocking my babies to sleep in this house. It was a very sweet moment with Rowan... a little bitter sweet.

Where have you been?

2009-03-04T23:29:00.002-05:00

It's been almost a year since I wrote a post. Unfortunately a very long year full of heartache but I will get to that later. I started this blog a year ago thinking that it would be therapeutic for me to write as we were going through the grieving process. I am definitely a verbal processor so I thought that it would be really good for me. I only wrote a couple posts because I started to become consumed with reading other blogs about miscarriage to the point that it was hurting more than helping, so I cut myself of from the blogging world. Well I am in a different place now and have been reading some blogs of people that I know (and I do mean really know, not know from blurking!) who are/have gone through some of the heartache that comes along with miscarriage and infertility. It has been such a blessing to hear their perspective and read how they are handling things. SO...I'm back! It may take me a while to catch up on all that has happened this year but I will do my best to piece everything together slowly rather than a novel of a post. Here is a brief run down of the highlights and hard times from this past year. I will go in to more detail about it all in posts to come.

Picking up from the last post when we were still grieving the loss of our first pregnancy in March...

- We got pregnant again in May with the SeaMonkey (we love coming up with fun pet names for our babies!) and lost him in July. Yes HIM. We found out the sex of the baby because we had testing done to figure out what was causing us to loose the babies.

- We found out that my husband has a genetic disorder called a "balanced translocation". I will explain that in more detail later.

- June 9- Our best friends Sarah and Ryan had their precious baby girl Rowan! I got to be with them from the moment they got to the hospital until Sarah started pushing. I stood right outside the door and about 5 minutes later I heard that beautiful little cry! It was such a privilege to be part of it all!

- September 10th we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary!

- September 14th I was baptized!

- September 28th we mourned the fact that we were not welcoming our first baby into the world on what was our expected due date.

- October 31st we bought our first house!!! (pictures to come)

- November we got pregnant with the Squirrel. (although we didn't find out till mid December.)

- December I left my job as a nanny for a wonderful family to join the staff at North Point Community Church. I am a Groups Director in our pre-school ministry, Waumba Land, and I am loving every minute of it. I truly feel like this is what God made me to do!

- In a strange turn of events, my first day at my new job was interrupted by a phone call from my Mom that my Granny, her mom, was slipping away. I had the amazing yet difficult honor of holding my Granny, along with my Mom and older sister, as she took her last breathe. After 97 amazing years of life she stood face to face with our Heavenly Father! (and got to meet our two precious babies!)

- In January the Squirrel, another baby boy, joined or other 2 angel babies and my Granny in Heaven.

- February 19th we thought of our little SeaMonkey on his expected due date.

- Last week we met with fertility specialist, Dr. Mitchell-Leef, with RBA (Reproductive Biology Associates) for a consultation about our options.

And that pretty much bring us to the present.

Since it's getting late and I have written a lot, I will leave it at that for now. Much more to come...

Doctors

2008-03-27T00:48:00.000-04:00

I have been reading other blogs about miscarriage. I am realizing that I am incredibly fortunate and blessed to have the doctor and practice that I do. I didn't get to see MY doctor for the appointment that changed my life because he was in surgery. I saw another woman doctor in the practice and she was GREAT. She was so sensitive and physically upset when she delivered the terrible news that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. She gave us all the time we needed before coming back to talk to us, never rushing us at all. My doctor performed my D&C the next morning. The first time I saw him I was already in my gown getting my IV on a gurney. He was so sensitive and compassionate. He was optimistic about how soon we could start trying again without brushing past what was about to happen like it was routine. All the nurses were wonderful and so sensitive to what I was going through. I felt very cared for both medically and emotionally. My doctor even prayed with me before we went into surgery. He also called me a couple days later to see how I was recovering and doing emotionally. Aside from the phone call I got from the nurse to check on my physical recovery after the surgery. I wish I had never had to go through any of it, but i guess since it happened I am glad that I have a doctor who is so understanding and compassionate.

My journey...

2008-03-24T14:47:00.000-04:00

I wanted to start this blog to track my pregnancy in a humorous and entertaining way for my friends and family to read and enjoy. I'm not sure how great of a writer I am or even how funny I can be but since blogging is the new black I thought I should give it a try. We saw and heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks and everything was moving along just fine but I told myself that after I passed 12 weeks I would start writing my blog. Then I would be out of the "scary phase" so it would be safe to share all the details with everyone. Well last week was 12 weeks and I'm afraid my blog, for the time being, will be dedicated to my journey through miscarriage. I'm not sure what exactly will come out of writing this but I'm hoping that it will help in the healing process.

On Thursday afternoon I went to the doctor and found out that The Peanut no longer had a heartbeat. It was as if when I looked at that screen and saw no movement my heart stopped beating as well. All the day dreams I had of how much I would be showing when this happened, or how far along I would be when that happened came crumbling down around me. My worst fear had come true.

We lost the baby.

This past week has been a roller coaster. I am heartbroken. I am mourning the loss of the child that I will not get to hold, to snuggle in the nook of my neck, to sing to sleep, and to watch grow into her own personality. How can you be robbed of something before you really even have it? There are moments of optimism but they were few and far between. The first were dark days.

Then the anger set in... I was mad! I was in pain physically and this made me angry! As if the emotions I was feeling weren't painful enough, why did my body have to hurt as well? Like I haven't been through enough physically in my life, I mean two open heart surgeries, come on! I was angry that my pregnant friend drank caffeine, ate deli meat, and white queso dip and I followed all the rules; now she is in her third trimester and I'm back at zero! Not that I, in any way, would want to take away her happiness. I want her to have a healthy beautiful baby but I want to be having one with her! We were supposed to take pictures of our belly's growing side by side. I was sick and tired of hearing, "it's for the best, the baby wouldn't have been healthy", and "you can have another baby". I don't want another baby! I want the baby I had, I want MY baby! I actually had someone tell me, "maybe you just aren't supposed to have children." Are you kidding me! Who says that to someone who just lost a child? Mostly I was mad that my God, who I know loves me, would give us this precious gift and then take it away so quickly.

Part of me was scared to leave my house. If I joined society again I would see that although MY world stopped turning on Thursday afternoon the rest of the world kept right on going. My life will never be the same and others are out celebrating St. Patrick's Day! I think part of me was afraid that if I started to "move on" I might forget. Not that I can fathom forgetting the pain that I am feeling but more forgetting the little life that was in my body for only 12 short weeks. My baby may have only been a part of my body for 12 weeks but will FOREVER be a part of my life.

I am taking small steps. One day at a time. Breathing in and exhaling slowly. I don't know why this happened, and may never know why, but there are some things that I do know.

I know that I am only at the very beginning of this long journey. I know that if my husband was not the amazing man of God that he is, I would still be lying on the floor in the doctor's office. I know that I am so blessed to have the support of my family, some of whom know to well what I am going through. I know that my best friend not only hurt for me but with me. I know that I am surrounded by my friends in Christ and can feel their prayers embracing me. I know that my Heavenly Father "has plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not the harm me, plans to give me hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I know that through all the heartache, tears, anger, and questions He is with me. I know my God is real because I feel him holding me in his arms as I cry. I know His heart is breaking with mine and He is walking with me through this. I know that "God has not only read my story, he wrote it." Max Lucado I know that He chose us to be the parents of an angel. I know I will see my baby when the face of my Savior is before me. I know it still hurts a lot!

I do have hope. I hope for healing. For good timing. A plus sign. A healthy pregnancy. A round belly. A beautiful baby. I have hope. Though, I have moments, even days where hope is fleeting and I can not imagine setting myself up for this hurt again. I hope for a chance to be a Mom and to see my husband as a Dad. I hope to have a child so that I can show them the grace and unconditional love that my Heavenly Father has shown me.

What greater honor is there in this life?